


Dark

by towardstheair



Series: Dark Series [3]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:24:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's okay as long as we pretend it's not ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark

Adam's sleep patterns have always been a little out of the ordinary. He used to put it down to a life in the theatre, mostly full of sleeping all day and working at night and parties that went onto the early hours of the morning. He thought that being part of Idol would give him some kind of structure, a routine. But even with their days planned out for them down to the second he still feels like he doesn't know what to expect next.

 

Kris is usually a good sleeper, as far as Adam had been concerned anyway. But things have changed over the last month, instead of Adam listening to Kris' breath from across the room, its now close up in his ear and the sound is not the same as before. It's not the sound of someone breathing shallowly in their sleep. It's the sound of someone with too much on their mind. Their room is so noisy at night now, with neither of them sleeping and neither of them acknowledging it.

 

Adam is turned away from Kris and he knows if he turns to look at him he will find Kris staring up at the ceiling. It’s like an unspoken agreement between the two that neither will admit to how much they are both suffering. The end is looming, it's coming closer and closer and tomorrow night it could easily be one of them going home. Both of them have watched their friends leave one by one; Megan, Scott, Lil, Anoop, Matt and Allison. Allison was the worst, mainly because Kris went quiet and it meant that Adam had to spend most of that night trying to make conversation with Gokey. Which for anyone is hard work, but for him even harder.

 

He thinks the time for ignoring the bitter truth has passed and really they both need to face up to the fact that this whole thing will be over soon. Even if one of them doesn't go tomorrow, there is still very little time left for them and they both know that as soon as the show ends, so will they. Kris has no other option, and Adam can't wait around for someone who won't choose him.

 

Adam turns slowly and looks at Kris' profile, he can make it out clearly even in the darkness. He has been lying awake for so long that his eyes have adjusted completely. Kris' hair is tousled and he can see a small purple bruise forming on Kris' shoulder blade when Adam had forgotten that he wasn't allowed to leave a mark. Sometimes its so easy to forget though, with Kris' fingers digging into his back murmuring words into Adam's ear that make him believe its him and only him Kris wants.

 

They never discussed how far they would let things go between them, like everything else between them it just progressed, natural and right. Kris never protested and Adam never asked if he was sure, they didn't need any of that. They seemed to know exactly what each other wanted without words. It's the reason why Adam can't sleep, why it hurts so much to admit he has to let this go.

 

Kris licks his lips and Adam looks at his chest rising and falling as he breathes in and out deeply, slowly. It's instinct to reach out and touch now, the boundary has been passed and besides, they never did subtle. Adam traces his fingers across Kris' chest and his eyes flutter closed. Adam can never bring himself to tear his eyes away from Kris' face when they are together like this. Anyone who has seen Kris like this, fallen apart and wanting would not be able to resist that face.

 

“I thought you were asleep.” Kris whispers.

 

It must be out of habit now that Kris still whispers, when they had a full house with people in the rooms next door they had to be quiet. But Danny is half way across the house and there was no need now, it's like he is afraid to change any part of what they have, of what they do. Adam gets why he does, he understand what it means; Kris doesn't want this to change, he'd be happy if it went on forever, if no one got the title of American Idol and they could just sing on the same stage week after week. Adam is the realist, but he loves Kris and he doesn't want to see the look on Kris' face, the one where he looks like his heart is breaking. He doesn't want to be the person who put it there. So mostly, he keeps quiet.

 

Tonight, he doesn't want to.

 

Sometimes the silence is worse, the silence doesn't bring him any answers and it doesn't comfort him when he wonders what it will be like to watch Kris walk away from him once and for all, choosing the life he had before he met Adam. Nothing much comforts him anymore, not even the thought of winning.

 

Kris turns to look at him, he looks concerned and Adam realises he hasn't spoken. He has been far too engrossed watching Kris and letting his mind wander away from this room. Their eyes automatically lock and Kris does what he always does when there is something hanging over them that neither wants to admit. He turns his body and leans in, pressing his lips against Adam', letting his fingers trail along Adam' arm. It's enough to make Adam forget momentarily.

 

But as soon as Kris pulls back, even with him still so close, forehead pressed against his, nose's touching, it's like a floodgate of memories and he doesn't want to forget so much anymore. He wants to feel how wrong this whole thing is. How wrong it has always been and despite how much he and Kris want to pretend that it isn't, it really is.

 

Adam isn't stupid, he knows what role he plays out of the two of them. He is the strong one, its the way he has been seen since the start. Not just in their relationship, but in everything. He has been the positive one when people left, the one to help when people doubted their song choices. He has been a rock and a guide and it's all been perfectly fine up until this moment. He had control over all of those things, he knew how to be that person, he likes being needed, helping people he cares about but sometimes he feels like people forget that he might just need the same thing in return. It's kind of his own fault he supposes, he did such a good job of proving to everyone he was strong and above everything, that they all just assumed he could cope with everything himself.

 

It's strange that the one thing he loves about feeling like this, is also the same thing that he hates. Falling in love is all consuming, he sometimes finds it hard to see where Kris ends and he begins and it is what he has craved for a long time. To feel like this, to let himself feel it. Now he has it, and it's not his. It isn't his to take and he feels like fate is giving him a big “fuck you”.

 

Kris' hands are persistent against his skin, digging in harder when he provokes no reaction from Adam. He needs to stop letting himself get pulled away. He needs to stay here with Kris while he can. Maybe Kris has the right idea, just enjoy it in the now. Don't think about what's coming next. He thinks that maybe it's harder for Kris than it his for him, in fact he knows that it is. Adam isn't cheating. Kris is cheating. It's just another thing in a long list that they don't talk about.

 

“You keep leaving me.”

 

Kris speaks the words against Adam' lips and Adam responds by kissing him, deep and slow, unexpected by Kris who is unresponsive at first. It's Adam' way of proving to Kris that he is there with him, he is proving it to himself. That he can do this.

 

Kris mumbles something against Adam' lips, and its unusual for Kris to want to stop to talk, the talking they do in moments like this is limited. But his voice is louder than usual, a panicked edge to the words.

 

“I don't want to leave you...” Adam finally hears the words clearly when he pulls away to kiss Kris' jaw and neck. Kris repeats them again and again, his fingers gripping on tightly to Adam' hair, and it hurts a little but its a good hurt, a hurt Adam wants to feel.

 

“I won't leave you.”

 

It's a promise Adam has no right saying, and its certainly a promise he knows he can't keep. Kris pulls back, his hands on Adam' face. The pain that has been in his eyes over the last few days seems to have faded slightly, there's a hope that what Adam is saying is true. Adam can't be the one to take it away, but surely Kris knows. He has to know the truth. If it's what Kris wants to hear, then Adam will lie, he'll tell Kris what he wants to hear and pretend that this can carry on as what it is.

 

“Really? Can you promise me that?”

 

Adam can't promise him, he can't say it again and mean it because its not true. They have a couple of weeks and a summer of touring but what does that really mean in comparison to a lifetime? A lifetime is what he wants, he could easily do this with Kris for the rest of his life, but it really comes down to what Kris wants.

 

Adam fights against everything inside his body telling him not to move and rolls over to sit up on the edge of the bed. He won't get up, because if he turns, he would have to see Kris’ empty arms reaching out to him.

 

“Kris, what are we doing?”

 

It's the first time Adam has asked right out like that, and he knows Kris doesn't have an answer ready and anything that comes out of his mouth is going to be an excuse, not a justification. Kris seems to work his way around this by convincing himself that its happening because they both need someone, someone who understands what being here feels like – but it's such a cop out and they both know it. Adam used it when whatever this is between them started, he has a whole list of excuses he uses now and he has rehearsed them all perfectly.

 

“What are we doing?”

 

He isn't really asking Kris anymore. He isn't really asking anyone.

 

“Adam, please don't give up...”

 

“Give up on what, Kris?”

 

He hates being this way, he hates feeling this way. He could easily take it out on Kris, even more easily on himself. But he isn't entirely sure either of them deserves the blame for this. He can't help how he feels about Kris. He looks over his shoulder and the worry in Kris' eyes is there because of him and the only thing he really cares about is taking that look away and making sure he never sees it on Kris ever again. He moves quickly before he can over think everything again and lays his body flat against Kris'.

 

Kris groans against his lips and his hands are warm on Adam' back again and suddenly the protest Adam was feeling is gone. “I'm sorry.”

 

Kris kisses his chin before leaning back against the pillow. “You don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm the one who...”

 

Adam cuts him off with another kiss, just a part of the avoidance game they play. He pulled himself away from it for a moment but he is back in the game now, Kris seems happier when he is playing along, and Adam will do it even if it means he gets to keep him for a little while longer. He keeps the kissing persistent, Kris starts murmuring words against Adam' skin again, his fingers find their way back into his hair and it really is blissfully perfect, and god he wants to keep him.

 

“I don't know what's going to happen.”

 

Adam finds himself biting gently down onto Kris' shoulder, the same place where he left a mark earlier that night. Kris winces but clutches on tighter to Adam, so Adam nips at Kris' skin again and again. He wants to take Kris away from the train of thought that he started. It works when they don't think about it too much, its stupid and reckless and it is most certainly going to end with one maybe both of them heartbroken, but it works.

 

“How long can we keep on doing this...”

 

Kris trails off when Adam grinds down against him, it really is quite easy to distract Kris. Adam knows everything that Kris likes now, what causes a reaction, what makes his eyes flutter closed and his bottom lip jut out before his teeth bit down, to suppress whatever noise is about to leave. What Adam would give for a room where Kris would be free reign to make whatever noises he wants, he is pretty sure he would fall apart so fast if he ever really got what he wanted.

 

Kris is panting underneath him, begging Adam not to stop. It's nothing, they have done so much more than this been so much closer that they are nearly one person entirely. This is tame for them, this is what it had been like in the early days when Kris had been shy and didn't know how to ask for what he wanted. It's needy and frantic and desperate, like they know at any moment this is all going to fall apart, that they both are. And they do.

 

Adam must be a heavy weight on top of Kris, but when Adam tries to move Kris refuses to let him. He holds on even tighter and softly runs his fingers against Adam' back, urging him not to move one inch. Adam doesn't fight it, he is too comfortable and perfectly happy to stay in Kris' arms.

 

He can feel sleep pulling him away from the moment, the warmth he feels from Kris only welcoming sleep even more. He can feel Kris' lips near his ear, whispering soft, sweet words and he can't be sure but in one breath he hears the words I love you, then its oblivious darkness.


End file.
